Letters of Hadji and Nonna

Dear H

How goes the flow? Since receiving your very much uninvited and thereby unexpected missive I have been doing some recollecting of my own. Taking myself down to the depths of my memory and also the basement in Washington Square.  By the way, did you know that our old apartment in Washington Square used to be a burial ground for the Krauts, way back when, and so it seems oddly fitting that our memories would be stored in a basement there.  A burial ground by any other name!

Yes I still have the apartment there and use it whenever Arcady goes back to Petrograd.  He always claims he was a fleeing White Russian, but I think he looked pretty good in that Red Army-get up, which of course he denied he ever wore. It added a sort of ruggedness to his looks which, lets face it were pretty pappy. I think I will look that photo out and leave it in the hallway for him to see when he next returns

Arcady tries to spend the Spring in NYC and as it happens to be the time I spend back in Nyong it never seemed to matter.  So here I am anyway back in the Big Apple ( such a ridiculous moniker, I always thought) trawling through old photos.

I am sure you will know that the one I want to find is where you and Arcady when off on a hunting expedition with Kim and you both came back with a wild pig and not a lot more.   The staff found it hilarious.  Big white hunters going off with ridiculously large guns and tents and water bearers and coming back a week later with just a Boar.  Still in terms of Arcady after he had downed a bottle of vodka, Boar/Bore isn’t far off the mark .  I did think that the pair of you dressing as a sort of “end of the pier, summer season “ Lawrence of Arabias was again pushing your colonial luck especially as it was the wrong bloody continent but as you said, Arcady loves to dress up so it was simply keeping him happy and the sun off his head.    Do try to catch up with him as his transplant has taken very nicely and you only see the weave at the back if you happen to be behind him. He has found out that if he keeps his back to the wall , no one will ever know.  

Speaking of which every time I come to the apartment I have to get down on my hands and knees and bleach the bathroom.   He is obviously still swigging back the hard stuff and getting so lashed he cant pee into the bowl. ( I was pleased we vetoed the idea of a Urinal in the main bathroom because him being rather short and drunk means he would never reach it accurately and would probably confuse it for a water fountain in any event). The bloody Lino stinks in that toilet and I was so pleased not to have the shaggy piled carpet you were so keen on to keep your feet warm in winter as I would never have got the stains out.   

Oh, important news! We have a new Doorman.   Boris.   He doesn’t like Arcady one bit, so I am assuming that Boris is Ukrainian.  He refuses to open the door when Arcady comes through, pretending to be hailing a Cab or dead heading the dahlias in one of the planters under the canopy. Speaking of which we had the maintenance bill in and the price for a new canopy, however useful during a New York Shower is eye watering. Enough to feed all of the staff back in Nyong for a year.

Boris is very smart and has very shiny shoes he keeps looking down at them and smiling to himself when he notices how shiny they really are. That’s quite odd isn’t it? He also wears a very smart uniform . It isn’t the usual doorman uniform but has epaulettes and brass buttons . I think it was actually an old army uniform. The coat is very thick and he says he never feels the cold when wearing it. I don’t care he’s just really nice and I pretend I cant smell the alcohol on his breath when I return and he opens the door for me. Smile and wave. Smile and wave

He has, however, complained to me recently that he was sick of rotting cucumbers in the bin.   He said they were from Arcady.  Obviously everyone knows of the old trick that if you eat a whole cucumber whilst swigging back vodka you never get a hangover.  Must tell Arcady just to buy one a day rather than a case of them delivered directly from Sheepshead .  If nothing else its the saving.  Buying a case of organic cucumber only to have half of them chucked down the garbage chute is pretty witless.     Anyway Boris said he wont be cleaning out the garbage chute any more if Arcady continues to throw unwrappped rubbish down it.   Why he doesn’t use the waste disposal in the kitchen is beyond me but you know Arcady, doesn’t realise that men can enter a kitchen as well as women

BTW he has a lady friend. Yes, another unaccompanied minor for she looks as if she is the square root of fifteen years old and with amazingly long eyelashes that they blow up and down in the wind.  I worry that if we have a late snowfall they will freeze either open or closed and she will lose all facial expression.  How awful to have your eyelashes frozen open.  How would she sleep..  Bit eerie dont you think?  You will be pleased to note also that Arcady has kept true to fashion and chosen one with huge pneumatic breasts.  I dont know  about a good handful, I would think you would need to catch one with open arms.  I wonder if she sleeps on her back..  if she does it will surely be draughty becuase with those silicone mountains perched on her rib cage there must be a hell of a gap between the quilt and the bed 

Boris, a man of few words and lots of facial expressions also doesn’t approve of Arcadys companion. I think her name is Lydia ( presumably after Lydia Lopokova). Whilst she may aspire to be a dancer it is more likely to be one using a vertical pole than a horizontal barrre. Boris refuses to acknowledge them when they approach apart from to mutter something under his breath about “bambini” so he also thinks Arcady’s new squeeze is rather young.

Rumour has it that Boris is actually here to take Arcady down and has been paid to finish him off. Some old grudge back when he was fighting at Stalingrad, Wouldn’t it be odd if they were old comrades and are now here to slug it out? I found this picture of Arcady. I am going to investigate and see if Boris was his wing man. Stranger things and all that……

Anyway, just why are you getting in touch?

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