I have been very quiet for the past six months which probably comes as a blessed relief to many. I have also had something of an Epiphany and find I am ( almost) a new woman. I am now at home baking bread in the evenings, pouring over cookery books; fluffing up curtains and watching Arsenal on the tele. Well, the reason is obvious, isn’t it? Yes, its a new man!
I had debated whether to continue with the Pet Theme at home and to add to it as I am now far too old to have any more children but the Arab Quarter were beginning to revolt. They only see the need to nurture animals if they can protect their homes or end up on the BBQ. I had forbidden Aladene to feed the cat four times a day in order to ” fatten him up” and knew that if I went away, there was a good chance we would be ” one man down” by the time I returned. ( ie one of the pets ending up as a meal instead of being part of it ) Now I didn’t want any Summer Uprising on my hands ( well it was June by this time! ) so I relented and allowed the chickens and Llamas to go off to Husband Number Three and his Small Holding. Since the dissolution of our marriage he seemed to have formed a special attachment to being alone and all things natural. …. ( although he told me this morning that he will still attend the Christmas Lunch )
This allowed me to fill the space. ie the affection in my heart with something other than a species with fur or feathers. Rita had also been persuading me to get back on the horse ( so to speak) and get out and about and find a nice man… but hopefully one with a few more dollars in his pocket than the pilot used to spend on me! ( her words not mine, but ones I simply cant argue with ) Now most of you will remember that not only had the Pilot a few odd views on life, but he also was most terribly mean. There was only a very brief time when he was working away that I was allowed to use the Emergency Credit Card but once he saw that I had flexed it for a pair of $500 Gina Sandals then he arranged for the Bank to recall the same! He said it was in breach of the Agreement we had and Swarovski covered Gina sandles were certainly not a f ***ing emergency!
Rita said I should extract myself from the kitchen sink and stop caring for a lot of boys ( currently 5 in my house! ) and find myself a man who was going to spoil me. I have to say that surprisingly the idea did not fill me with a lot of enthusiasm but I did agree to give it a try for the whole month of JUNE ONLY!!!!
To qualify for this and to show that indeed my heart was in it (NOT) I said I would sign up for Internet Dating and see what was about. I thought that as I was pushing sixty plus I shouldnt be too choosy. However somewhere between agreeing to do this and Rita having her third G & T ( well it is Tiffin Time sweetie and its only a small one !) I seem to have found myself well and truly signed up on some slightly, oh only ever so slightly upmarket dating agency and my picture was out there for all to see
I thought I should aim low as I didn’t think I should be looking for anyone with their own hair; teeth or able to get an erection without Viagra. I also thought that I should keep topics neutral and I didn’t do the usual thing of emailing pictures of new lingerie I had bought for a first date and definitely didn’t ask if I should bring a toothbrush. No, I was going to keep this plain and certainly simple. Anyway the thought of some rather lacy “Agent Provocateur ” might just about tip some old crust right over the edge and I wont be responsible for doing mouth to mouth on the first date, however good looking he is. Anyway I have since come to realise that paying over fifty quid for a pair of knickers is somewhat excessive when I can achieve the same look with three for a tenner from Tesco!
I admit to not being overly excited about it and left my profile open for all to see. By the end of the day I had a few enquiries and in the middle of it there was an e mail from “Lovely Man” asking if I was free for dinner on Sunday because he had really enjoyed the cyber exchange we had had during the day.
Now as I was out in Eastbourne from o6. sparrows fart until the sun was definitely over the yard arm I thought he must have got the wrong person. Before I could write back and suggest this to him, my mobile had gone and it was none other than lovely man on the other end. Okay so who gave out my mobile number because it certainly was not me!
Being lost for words is not something I am usually found to be capable off but somewhere along the line I thought maybe it would serve me in good stead just to listen. By the end of the conversation I realised that even though I hadn’t been e mailing him all day it would certainly be in my best interest to say I had and try to catch up quickly.
I also very soon realised that the house itself was eerily quiet with all male occupants ensconced in their rooms. Initially I took this as them all studying hard for ICAO Level 4 but by the end of the phone conversation with Lovely Man I knew they were in fact all hiding. And hiding over the exploits they had been up to whilst I was out all day
Now it wont take a lot for you all to catch up and realise that the reason I had a dinner date in a few days was simply because most of the Arab Mafia had been sneaking around my profile and indeed had written to a few suitable males on my behalf. I wasn’t sure if they thought it a jolly good wheeze or were simply worried that I would break my resolve and invite The Pilot back to stay…
Whichever way around it was, I resolved to go on the dinner date on Sunday ( minus the slightly foxy lingerie ) and aim to have a good time . The rest, as they say, is history…. and Thank God for that!